I’ll never forget the feeling I had once that door opened.
It was like someone had taken my entire heart and tore it open in that instance. You know that feeling when someone says something that your heart DROPS into your stomach and you feel like you’re about to throw up? Yeah, that was me.
It was the same female that my ex had told me NEVER to worry about. You know, when your man hits you with the “Ew, Hell no.” type of reaction.. It was one of those. Don’t get me wrong, that’s usually the reaction you’ll get when your man is cheating.. BUT when you Love someone you want to believe it all.
Catching them in the same moment, with that same “EW” is totally different.
I remember screaming ” Are you f*cking him?” Of course the reaction wasn’t something that I wanted to hear.
She said “It’s none of your concern.”
At the same exact moment he ran out so fast. I was the last person that he wanted to see outside of his side chicks house during his night of “sleeping.” At this point I’ve been with him for 9+ years so I know exactly what every reaction & action already meant when it came to him.
He came outside to just pick me up and try to put me into my car. (My Mom’s car because I was too smart for this BS.)
As he was attempting to contain me and the havoc I was causing, I wasn’t having it. I remember just screaming & yelling for him to get off of me & for him to admit the truth.
The last thing he could even attempt to say to my face was that he cheated. Even to this day he will still Never admit that he was there with another “person” to cheat on the one girl he loved.
All of a sudden I heard a yell from the street. “I’ll f*ck her up, WHO TOUCHED HER?”
Automatically I’m thinking, Okay this girl felt the need to have other people come.. COOL.. Not one care did I give. I turn around & I see my Sister.
WELL DAMN. I thought me remembering the name of the block was clutch, I guess my sister did too. That’s when all Hell broke loose. All I heard was “she’s calling the cops, leave.”
The cops coming was another thing I could careless about. All I knew was that the one person I gave my all too had just f*CKed up everything he had, for what?
We were yelling, screaming. My ex was dragging me away from the situation and I was fighting against him to get to my sister. Nothing was getting accomplished. Finally my sister was like “Brittinie, if he wants to do you this way & lose you, let him.”
Realer words could’ve never came out of her mouth. I got in my moms car. The one without the noise. LOL. My sister got into hers and GUESS WHAT my ex got in his.
The moment I looked him in his face all I saw was “I FUCKED UP.” He couldn’t even explain himself, let alone look at me knowing he just deceived the same girl who never left his cheating ass.
We all drove to the same place. I had work in ONE fucking hour, they didn’t. I just remember checking my texts and receiving the whole “HOW COULD YOU? I love you” text.
YOU KNOW SOMEONE KNOWS THEY ARE WRONG WHEN THEY JUST CONTINUE TO TEXT & TEXT WITH NO REPLY.
I wanted to drive off a damn bridge at that point. I had dealt with so much pain and heart break with him but this feeling, it was nothing that I could imagine.
All of the hurt, anger and bitterness that I had inside of me had me ready to explode. The feeling of having to actually force yourself to stay away from the person you love because of something THEY did.. It’s so Hard, SO HARD.
I went to work 2 hours later. I was working at an insurance company and all I remember was that I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t focus on anything.
My manager called me into the office because she had saw me crying. I just had almost a decade of my life ripped from under me within the last few hours.
Everyone told me I would be okay. “It’s going to be hard but you’ll be strong enough to get through it.” They didn’t know that everything I knew, the person who knew me the most just turned me into a person I no longer knew.
I hated him, I hated her. I hated everyone. They say you shouldn’t blame the “other woman” when it comes to situations like this. I agree, but the difference was that I met this person before. This same person invited me to her house with my ex boyfriend. This same person was his best friends cousin.
The same best friend who smiled in my face every single day. The same best friend who I gave rides to, showed love to and thought actually gave a f*ck about our relationship. But this was also the SAME boyfriend who had hurt me, broke my heart and promised to never hurt me again. So yes, he was the real issue.
He was the one lying to me, and he was the one who had me believing everything that was a lie. At the same time I have no idea what he told her. He could’ve said we were doing bad, that one day he would be with her. WHO THE F*CK KNOWS.
Sometimes there are things that you just will Never know, this is one of them. It took about a year for any of this anger to leave me. I can’t even say that now 2 years later it totally has. You never expect the person that you thought was the love of your life to actually make you feel numb and like your soul has left your body.
He still came back. He knew what he did and he knew how much he hurt me. He wanted to go on a trip to Atlanta to fix everything, he was finally “ready” to change his ways.
I’ve heard it all before. This wasn’t new to me. The only thing was that this time I finally had my foot out of the door, but a few toes still in. I was vulnerable and hurt. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to know how he could hurt me like this.
It still will probably never make sense. Yes, I went on that damn trip a month later. It was probably the best trip we had ever taken. Go figure.
The moment we even reached Suffolk county, NY I felt my heart drop again. How could I do this? How could I trust someone that I don’t even trust in the same area that I live in. I couldn’t. When I say I hated him, I really felt it. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he broke his promise and I couldn’t allow myself to be so stupid once again in our relationship.
It took a few months to finally leave, but I did. Yes, things happened in between of course. That’s a whole other story for another entry.
The point of this all is, IT HAPPENS. We all will get hurt in some way or another in life. Its a lesson. I can’t say it means we don’t make STUPID decisions because I truly believe I have and I did. What I can say is that I learned from it. I will never in my life forgive someone for cheating again. I will never put myself LAST again.
Trust in your instincts, Ladies & Gentleman.
Men get cheated on too, its not just us women. One thing I can say its not your fault. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you are in, don’t blame yourself.
We are all in this world just living and learning. I don’t regret a thing. I don’t regret the experiences, if anything I appreciate them.
Sometimes I feel like all of the hate is out of my heart but then other days it all comes back. Its a process. Trust in yourself and realize that “This too shall pass.”
That is one of my favorite quotes and I truly believe it.
Thanks again for reading everyone.
Read, Relate, Notate. 