Warning; This entry may be triggering for some people & I’m not sure how vulgar I’ll really get.. So ahead of time I’m letting you guys know this now.
Firstly, I never wanted to share this story. I never thought I would be strong enough to share it actually. Years have passed and its come to the point I need to, for myself really.
This entry that I’m about to write I have only spoken about publicly once and that was on the #WhiteIsh podcast. I feel as if I needed to share it on another outlet for those who may need to realize so many people go through what I have & others have. As much as it hurts and has been hurting me lately, I needed to let it out.
Okay, so what I’m about to share is my testimony about being raped. Yes, I was raped when I was going into 10th grade. This is how I lost my virginity.
Now that I look back I hate myself half of the time for going through this and for allowing the person to continue to be in my life after.. I just didn’t know any better.
July 15th years ago I decided to have a few people over to hang out and drink. I was the only virgin out of my friends but that was the last thing I was thinking about. We all were having a good time drinking in my basement because I had done the wrong thing and snuck people in.
This entry is going to get straight to the point because I don’t have time or energy to beat around the bush.
Going into 10th grade we are all a bunch of girls trying to have fun and hang with some boys that we like. There was one person who I liked so much and he was the entire reason I was so insecure in High School. I never had the courage back then to stick up for myself or stand my ground the way I do now. I believe this is exactly why I’m so hard on people and myself when it comes to being Blunt and standing up for myself.
Basically we all were drinking and having a good time. The person who I thought cared about me although he was so mean to me was the same person who has impacted my life until this day.
Long story short after all of us taking multiple shots and drinks all I remembered was saying “OMG.” This occured during the moment my virginity was taken. I woke up the next day to my friends being around and to be honest I was bleeding. All I could remember was the “OMG” and I automatically thought I had my Virginity taken that night.
The moment I realized this I wrote to the person on AIM and asked him if we had sex. My virginity was important to me and I wanted to know if that sacred feeling was just taken from me. I wasn’t in any type of shape to blame anyone but myself. I just wanted to know what happened so that I could deal with it and move on.
I received a message back saying “No, we didn’t have sex.”
When I say this had become one of the most confusing moments for me ever, I didn’t know what to do. I was almost 100% sure my virginity was taken but the person I thought took it was telling me no.
I continuted to beg him to tell me the truth and he kept the story the same.
I was so hurt and confused..
It took me a few months maybe to find out the truth. I did lose my virginity that night. I was so young and dumb that I continued to keep that person around. In my eyes that wasn’t any form of rape. I felt I did it to myself. Although I was completely obliterated I felt it had to be because of me & I couldn’t blame anyone else.
After losing my virginity I didn’t have sex for an entire year. I was scared. I was scared of the feeling that I felt and I was scared of the feeling that I would feel. More than a year later we hung out and drank a little but this time I remembered everything. This time it wasn’t my fault, this time it was him.
We did engage in sexual intercourse and to me that was okay at the moment, but the moment that went to far was when I said “No.”
He proceeded to do something I didn’t consent to and I continued over and over to tell him “NO.”
This was not something I wanted, not at all. As I was saying No I was crying but this didn’t stop him. I’ll never forget the feeling of my body tensing up so badly that I wanted to just die. I hated it, every moment. Having someone force themselves inside of me when my body and myself didn’t want them there.. It killed me.
I was so young and still didn’t recognize it as rape.
I heard rumors about myself in High School days after this happened. I was so stunned and in such denial I said it never happened.
The rumors became so bad that my own mother heard it from one of my close friends. My father was working for the NYPD at the time and wanted to press charges, I begged for him not to. I didn’t want this reputiation as the girl “who cried rape.”
I also didn’t feel like I was raped at the time.. I continued to blame myself.
I cared about this person so much that in my own eyes it was all me.
It took me years to realize what really happened to me. It took me years to admit to myself and anyone else the truth. I’ve tried so hard to block it out. I don’t want to remember. Memories like this are the ones you don’t want, and they stick. THEY DON’T LEAVE.
Last year I watched 13 Reasons Why, I watched the girl admit she was raped and it broke me. It honeslty broke me down to the point I wrote to the kid who had raped me and asked him “WHY” why did you do this to me?
He apologized to me and said he was young, he knew what he did and so did I. This changed nothing. I thought it would make me feel better but until this day I still do not. The kid continued to try to talk to me and say he was sorry. It will never take away the way that I feel.
This year I watched 13 Reasons Why and every single time rape was brought up I cringed. One of my friends told me the way the season ended which I’m thankful for because if I watched it I think I would be much worse.
This has been something that has been hurting me for a week straight. Every episode I hoped that it wasn’t the one I thought it was where the person is raped on camera.
To be honest, sex even gets hard for someone after going through something like this.
You can be in the middle of intercourse and a vision or a memory can come through and it brings it all back. It happens and its the worst feeling ever. Even during consent it makes your body WEAK and feel like you’re going through the same thing over again.
Lately dealing with this has been one of the hardest things ever. I have continued to think about therapy, I feel I need to speak with someone about the feelings I’ve been hiding.
When you are the Victim you still continue to blame yourself. You tell yourself its your fault but at this point in my life I know its not.
This is the hardest thing to write and the most Sacred thing I’ve ever shared, but I feel I need to. I think other people need to realize you can look at someone and never know what they have really went through. I’m one of them.
This experience has taught me to be stronger, but has also changed me to become more closed off.
My trust is totally fucked up half of the time. I’m trying to fix me. I know I am the most important person that needs to be loved by myself. At that time I didn’t love myself and thats also why I was in denial.
I don’t want to continue on too much because this has already been too much for me. But if ANYONE that is reading this has ever been through an experience like this, OR ANYTHING they feel they need to speak about.. I AM HERE.
This blog was started by me to inspire people to speak their truth and share their stories.
If you made it this far, thank you. I hope this entry isn’t something I’ll be judged for but just to help people rebuild themselves and remember their self worth shouldnt be compromised by a experience like this.
LOVE YOURSELF, PROTECT YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF.
Thank you for reading.
Brittersbeexo@gmail.com – Feel free to email me at anytime to speak.