Today was one of those days where you just have a ball of random emotions and you’re like.. Why? I’ve been really sensitive for some reason and I haven’t been quite able to put my finger on it. Then I sit back and reflect on what I’m really feeling and I realize it’s not everyone else, its me.
When I say its me I don’t mean that these feelings haven’t been caused by other people. What I mean is that I AM THE PERSON that is allowing these feelings and other people to get to me. For those that know me, I am very sensitive. I’m not perfect, not one bit. I will forever and always admit that.. There are just certain actions that I expect from others because I know how I would treat them myself.
With all of this being said I still blame myself for the emotions that come with the way that others treat me, why is this? It’s because I still allow people who hurt me in and out of my life. I seem to think that just because I went through bad experiences that I will always make smarter decisions moving on, but its not always the truth. If it was the truth I would easily let those that I tell “I’m leaving this alone, I’m letting this go” actually go. I don’t though. It confuses me.
It’s hard for me to understand the fact that I still seem to give people so many chances. It always winds up being the same people that get angry at me for giving others the likelihood of hurting me, that hurt me also.
The same people that get annoyed with my poor decisions seem to be the same people that continue to let me give THEM the same second chances that I give anyone else.
My point right now is, maybe I don’t know my worth. Although I don’t like to admit it, maybe that’s exactly why I am so forgiving and hopeful on friends, family and lovers changing their hurtful ways.
How do I change this? How do I fix what I allow in my own life? How do I stop others from possessing the power in abusing my heart and my feelings?
I believe my best chance for this is to truly take a step back from putting people first. I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE, I AM FIRST. I have spoken on this so many times and have said “THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN” only to allow the same exact things to happen.
I believe the BEST & ONLY way to allow myself to learn my worth is to TEACH MYSELF. I need to consider my own feelings before I contemplate on the feelings of anyone else.
For once in my life I’m going to step back and stop allowing myself to be everyone’s scapegoat and just remember that I am in fact F*CKING AMAZING.
I know the big heart that I have, I know the love that I give. Sometimes I allow others to take advantage of this all. This entry isn’t to knock anyone else but its about me recognizing my own issue. I can not save everyone, I can not help everyone. Although my heart surely thinks I can, I can’t.
I need to learn to say NO, I can’t help you, I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me. With all of this said I need to stop sticking my neck out for other people.
I am a person who is SO supportive. I do not pat myself on the back for that, I just feel as a person who cares for those around you, that is how you are supposed to be. I need to realize not everyone will support you, no matter how much you support them. I have to realize that support shouldn’t be expected and to NEVER change yourself for you.
I will learn from my experiences, I always do. I believe that I can become a better person and I believe that myself, I will learn and recognize my own wrongs and learn from them.
I know that with experience comes progress.
I can’t wait to one day look back and say GIRL, YOU DID THAT.
I appreciate anyone who has loved, liked, listened to, and reached out to me about the things that I am doing.
YOU GUYS ARE MY MOTIVATION.
I needed a moment to vent on those who have doubted me, left my side and/or given up on me. It’s been bothering me lately but I needed this moment to get this chip off of my shoulder.
Have a great night, an amazing and blessed Thanksgiving with your families, and most importantly stay safe.
Continue to listen to the Podcast and enjoy!