What is your worth?

Today was one of those days where you just have a ball of random emotions and you’re like.. Why? I’ve been really sensitive for some reason and I haven’t been quite able to put my finger on it. Then I sit back and reflect on what I’m really feeling and I realize it’s not everyone else, its me.

When I say its me I don’t mean that these feelings haven’t been caused by other people. What I mean is that I AM THE PERSON that is allowing these feelings and other people to get to me. For those that know me, I am very sensitive. I’m not perfect, not one bit. I will forever and always admit that.. There are just certain actions that I expect from others because I know how I would treat them myself.

With all of this being said I still blame myself for the emotions that come with the way that others treat me, why is this? It’s because I still allow people who hurt me in and out of my life. I seem to think that just because I went through bad experiences that I will always make smarter decisions moving on, but its not always the truth. If it was the truth I would easily let those that I tell “I’m leaving this alone, I’m letting this go” actually go. I don’t though. It confuses me. Continue reading “What is your worth?”

7 Years Ago. My Open Letter.

Anyone that has experienced a death of a loved one knows how devastating the feeling is. It’s a pain that nothing in life can prepare you for. It’s a feeling that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. The thought of not being able to ever see someone you love so much is an actual heart break.. For those of you that have ever lost someone close, I am sorry. I send all of my prayers from my heart to yours.

Seven years ago today I lost one of the most important people in my entire life.

Seven years ago today I received one of the worst phone calls I could ever receive.

Although I have an entry dedicated to my Aunt explaining how much she meant to me, one entry could never be enough.

It’s 5:40 AM and I have to be up for work in 2 hours. Instead I’m writing this & crying my eyes out as per usual.

The day of my Aunts Wake I Decided to write a letter to her and read it out loud. There were so many things I needed her to hear. I barely got through the letter without a face full of tears, but somehow it helped me just a little bit.

More than half of you do not know my Aunt and unfortunately won’t ever be blessed enough to meet her. And although I doubt she’s in Heaven reading my blog, I felt it’s best for me to let out the things I wish I could say.

So here it goes, this is my letter to you Titi.

“I don’t know where to start. I have so many dreams about the things I would say to you if I just had one more chance to stand in front of you. The amount of things I would give up just to be able to hug and kiss you one more time. I would give the world to get one last long phone call from you. Those calls where you never wanted to get off the phone & I would always tell you how you talked too much.

If only I could have the chance to hear you talk again I promise I would listen to you forever. Sometimes I look back on the Facebook messages we sent each other right before you passed away just to feel close to you again. I can remember like it was yesterday feeling so hurt because I knew how heart broken you were from the things you were going through. I wrote you and said how I just wanted you to know that I Loved you. I remember how you told me you needed to hear that and I remember how much that meant to me.

I know growing up I was such a pain in the ass but I promise you it was always out of love. Mommy always used to yell at you for taking my side, but you always stuck up for me no matter what. I know if you were still here things with our family would be so different. I feel like we all push each other away now because when we come together we’re just reminded that you’re not here anymore.

I swear to God you always had the biggest heart when it came to everyone. You would give your last to help anyone you love. You would take the socks off your feet to make someone else warm, and you did everything genuinely. You went through so much growing up and you were always so misunderstood. I know you just wanted to love and be loved.. And it kills me to know how badly you were hurting before you left this earth.

I try to tune out the fact that you’re not here anymore. It’s not that I try to forget about you but I try to forget that I can’t pick up a phone and call you. I try to forget that forever is a time that I can’t seem to ever allow myself to accept. If only you could see the way I’m balling my eyes out right now. I’m sure you would tell me to stop crying and I wish you were here to tell me that.

I wish I could go back in time to the week before you passed. I wish I never told you I would sleep over another weekend. I swear to God I didn’t realize there wouldn’t ever be another one. Every time you show in my dreams I wake up with this heart breaking feeling because I wish the dream would never end.

The other day I was driving home from work and “One Sweet Day” came on. Usually I’ll change the song because I know it will just make me cry but for some reason that day I didn’t. I needed the moment to myself to just think of you and our memories together. Of course I got really upset but sometimes I need to allow myself to feel the pain of missing you.

Sometimes out of the blue I think “I need to call Titi” and then I remember & it feels like someone punched me in my stomach. Whenever a Whitney Houston song plays I just think of you. So many things remind me of you. After you passed away I wasn’t able to be in the house alone because I was scared to feel your presence. I didn’t want to feel you here when I knew I couldn’t actually see you. I honestly feel you’re always here with us. There’s signs I get sometimes and I know it has to be you. Like when my radio volume kept going back and forth to your birthday. I know you were watching over Kayla and I when the lady crashed into us. That accident could’ve been a lot worse but thankfully we both walked out of it.

You would be so proud to see how much your daughters are growing. Who would’ve thought 7 years later you would have a Nephew? We all know how much you would love Makai, and I hope everyday you watch over him. Fynesse, Des and Kayla are all growing up so beautifully. Kayla’s 6’2 now and embarrasses me when she has to bend down to hug me. I’m sure you would’ve loved to throw that in my face after all the times I’ve bothered you. Des is just smart as can be and can probably work a computer better than all of us. I don’t know anybody stronger than these 3 girls. All three of them have continued to grow up and have so much strength to continue to do the things that would make you proud. And I know you are proud, wherever you’re watching from.. I know you are.

Mommy and Nanny cry every time they talk about you. I try to avoid those conversations as much as possible. I already know that it will just lead me to crying and although I would love to think of you every moment, it just hurts. Please continue to just watch over all over them and to never forget how much we all love you.

Every time I accomplish something I always think of how proud you would be. I remember when I got the job at Chase years ago, you were so happy for me. You wrote me how proud you were and how I was going to do so great.

When I need guidance I still talk out loud so you can hear me. I probably look like an idiot in my car talking to myself but I really don’t care. The people who truly know me know how much you mean to me.

I already know you would’ve loved my blog. I could just picture you being the first person to read every entry and leaving a comment on each one. I could picture you listening to my podcast too and trying to get into conversations about what I spoke about lmao. You were always so blunt and i know you would tell me something’s that i wouldn’t want to hear. Haha.

I just want you to know that no matter what ever happens in my life I will never forget you. You will always be one of the biggest pieces of my heart. I miss you so much. I love you from here to Heaven and back a trillion times. One day when it’s my time to have children I will tell them about how amazing you are. And you will always continue to live within my heart and my memories.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always calling to check up on me. Thank you for genuinely having the biggest heart. Thank you for all of those long phone calls that I miss so much. Thank you for treating me like your own and loving me with all of your heart.

I can’t tell you I love you enough, but I love you. Holidays aren’t the same and neither are any other type of celebrations. It just doesn’t feel the same without you and it never will.. All I know is that you’re there in spirit..

Although my PJ shirt is now soaking wet from being a big baby, I do somewhat feel better. I know you will always be here with us and one day we will meet again.

Please continue to protect and Guide us all. Trust me, our crazy ass family still needs you. 7 years without you feels far too long..

Visit me in my dreams soon, I could use some answers.

Once again, I love you always & forever.

đź’ž Your FAVORITE Niece. Haha!”

I said No.

Warning; This entry may be triggering for some people & I’m not sure how vulgar I’ll really get.. So ahead of time I’m letting you guys know this now.

Firstly, I never wanted to share this story. I never thought I would be strong enough to share it actually. Years have passed and its come to the point I need to, for myself really.

This entry that I’m about to write I have only spoken about publicly once and that was on the #WhiteIsh podcast. I feel as if I needed to share it on another outlet for those who may need to realize so many people go through what I have & others have. As much as it hurts and has been hurting me lately, I needed to let it out.

Okay, so what I’m about to share is my testimony about being raped. Yes, I was raped when I was going into 10th grade. This is how I lost my virginity. Continue reading “I said No.”

Caught Him. Part 2.

I’ll never forget the feeling I had once that door opened.

It was like someone had taken  my entire heart and tore it open in that instance. You know that feeling when someone says something that your heart DROPS into your stomach and you feel like you’re about to throw up? Yeah, that was me.

It was the same female that my ex had told me NEVER to worry about. You know, when your man hits you with the “Ew, Hell no.” type of reaction.. It was one of those. Don’t get me wrong, that’s usually the reaction you’ll get when your man is cheating.. BUT when you Love someone you want to believe it all.

Continue reading “Caught Him. Part 2.”

My Momma.

I can’t be fake and start this entry off saying the relationship between my Mom & I has always been the best. It hasn’t. I can’t ever say it’s been perfect and I won’t lie and say I think it will ever be. That’s not realistic. In truth, it’s not even possible because unfortunately like my mom has told me all while growing up.. We are too much alike.

With that being said, we both have strong personalities. You won’t catch either one of us stopping until we have the last word & you won’t ever see us hold our tongues..

For anyone. Continue reading “My Momma.”

Make your life, YOUR LIFE.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I did Yoga.

It took about two minutes for the instructor to bring me straight into my zone and let all of my emotions be felt. It was like something took over me once she began to speak.

She said something along the lines of “Put your hand on your heart and think of all the positive things that you want for yourself and the people around you.”

Automatically I got emotional. I’m one of those people who feel from my heart to my toes. When I think of the people that I care about it brings so much joy and love to my heart. It’s a genuine feeling where I truly want everyone around me to WIN. Continue reading “Make your life, YOUR LIFE.”

A Dangerous​ game of love.

I just wanted to make a quick post about the “Dangerous game of love.” I’m sitting here watching the Soul Train Awards and 112 is performing. I absolutely love R&B, especially old school R&B. Whenever I’m in my feelings or going through something the first thing I turn to is writing & music.

As I just heard the song and thought of the title it reminded me of a conversation I had earlier with my sister. I was telling her how its so hard to come by a person that doesn’t cheat anymore. This goes for women and men. It seems that both sexes are very hard to trust nowadays and there is a few rare amount of people that actually remain loyal. I can’t even count the amount of people that I know have cheated or are cheating in a relationship.  Continue reading “A Dangerous​ game of love.”